Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours.

Tonight I'm going to write about the random thoughts in my head.

Christopher, 

One more night alone. One more, that's it. Thank god. 

I honestly don't have much to write about tonight because the only thing going on in my head is the fact that I'll be reunited with you tomorrow. 

It is a bit sad, though, that this is my last letter to you. I mean, realistically, I could continue to write you letters every day even if you're here with me, but it won't be the same. I guess this homecoming is bittersweet in a way. Much more sweet than it is bitter, trust me, but still. 

I am pretty pleased with the time we had apart, honestly. I think we really needed it in order to heal and move on. I think we now have the chance to start over and fresh and begin anew. Soon we'll have other fresh starts as well, such as a new apartment, a new car (for you), and a new semester. I really want this to be different, Chris, and I really think we have the ability to make it so. I want things to feel like they used to with us. I already can feel it starting just after the two hour visit we had yesterday. I have faith in us. I have faith in you. I'm very excited for this new chapter in our lives together. 

I'm very proud of you, baby. You're inspiring and strong and determined and caring and brave. You've done so well this week and you're going to continue to do well and get better. I can't wait to watch you do it and I will be here with you every single step of the way. I love you more than words could ever describe. You are my moon and my sun, my day and my night, my heart and my soul. You're everything to me. 

Before I sleep, I'd like to share this poem with you written by Ludwig van Beethoven. I came across it yesterday and knew I had to share it with you because it so beautifully describes so much of what I feel for you. Here you go: 

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in Vienna is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a clam consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. 

Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.

The end of this poem is one of my favorite lines in history. "Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours." Meaning my heart will always belong to you, your heart will always belong to me, and no matter how far apart we may be, our hearts will always belong to each other. We will always be together no matter the distance. What a perfect poem to find during this time. What a perfect three sentences to tell you what you mean to me.

I have some very cute Dukelights to finish off the week. Duke got to spend some time with his buddies today, and then he was very tired all night. The pictures say it all...

 

We are more than excited to see you tomorrow, baby. Or today, really, since it's 4 am! Less than 12 hours until I have you all to myself yet again. 

I love you always. Until the moon crumbles.

Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours. 

Always yours, 

-M xoxo

Memories of a library date with you

Tonight I'm going to write about visiting you today.

Christopher,
Today was the best day I've had in the last week. Want to guess why? It was because I saw you for the first time. It felt so good to see and feel all the things I wrote about last night. Seeing your smile, hearing your laugh, feeling your arms around me, feeling your lips on mine, seeing your little mannerisms again. It was all so comforting, and really made me feel like I was brought back into my own body for the first time in a week. Now here I am alone in bed again, but I don't feel as empty or disconnected from myself, because I can still feel your touch and hear your giggle. And now I have the fresh memory of a smiling, healthy, hopeful Christopher, not the memory of a broken, sad, hopeless one.

I can't tell you how excited I am for you to come home. Tomorrow I'm going to try to spend some time cleaning up the apartment, doing some laundry, and making sure things are comfortable and ready for you to come home to. I want it to be a sigh of relief for you to come home and get to shower in your own shower, shave your neck beard, wear some fresh clothes, and lay in your own bed. I don't want you to have to worry about a dirty kitchen or not having any clean laundry. So that's my plan for tomorrow: Clean the apartment and wait for your phone calls. And probably Drag Race, let's be honest.

Hopefully, all goes as planned and you get released on Monday. If/when you give me the green light that that is happening I'm going to give Paul a call and let him know what's going on so that I don't have to come in for my shift that night. A coworker texted me today asking when I'd be back and I told him Monday or Wednesday, so hopefully Wednesday!! I just want to be able to be here with you the day you get back and for us to lay in bed together and hold each other. That's seriously all I want. For like ten hours. Some sex would be good, too, but that goes without saying... :-)

Today I told you that I had a surprise for you when you get home and I hope by now you've figured out that it's this: these letters I've been writing to you on this blog. I hope they're proof of how much I've been thinking about you, how much importance you have on my life and what a hole it leaves when you're gone, and I also hope they serve as a way to help you feel included in what's been going on in the outside world while you've been in there. You know, minus all the bad crap that you were trying to get away from, but instead this can serve as a way for you to be a part of the last seven days here with me and not like we've been living completely separate lives.
I know that every time I have written it has helped me so much. It's easy to just get to text you normally whenever I have something that I want to tell you or whenever a thought pops into my head, but this past week I haven't been able to do that. This blog has given me that opportunity. Every time something happens or I think of something I want to tell you I make a mental note to write it to you later so that I know you won't be missing out on anything that I would want you to know. I guess it was just a way for me to not be completely separated from you for an entire week, with the exception of the few phone calls, and also allow me to put all my emotions and thoughts into my favorite form: writing. At the end of the day, I'm a much more eloquent writer than I am a speaker, so this is probably the best way for you to get the 411 on all my doings, feelings, and thoughts anyway.
So, with all that being said, surprise!!! :-) I really hope you enjoy reading these letters and getting a glimpse into what I've been feeling and doing this past week. Just know that I've (clearly) been thinking about you every single minute of every hour of every day.

I want to say one more time how proud I am of you, Chris. (One more time, yeah right, I'm going to keep saying it). Seeing you today really solidified that for me. You have come such a long way in only a few days and you're doing so much to ensure that you're healthy and that our future is secure and that you're getting better - it's really astounding to see. Hearing you say today that you were doing this for me and for us was really nice and it made me feel really important and undeserving of your love (in a good way), but I really hope you also feel you're doing this for you. Because at the end of the day I want you to make sure you're living your life for you, and that Duke and I are just the added bonus. I want you to recognize the importance of that and how correct Mama Ru is when she says, "If you can't love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" To which you would immediately mouth the following: "Can I get an 'Amen' up in here?" "Amen!" Since you love Drag Race so much :-)

Anyway, babe, I think I'm going to cut myself off at that. Duke man is sleeping in the crate tonight since he sneaked his way into the kitchen while I was visiting you and destroyed some shit. Unfortunately, I'm lacking on Dukelights again tonight since the only thing we did today before I came to see you was lay in bed, and I already have about 14,000 pictures of Duke laying in bed, I didn't really need another one. And now he's in the crate, so hopefully tomorrow I'll have some final Dukelights for you. Just know how much he misses you. He's definitely recognized your absence around here. Each noise or invisible opening of the front door that's met with head turns or jumping or barking is more pronounced lately in hopes that it's you coming in. He's so excited for you to come home, as am I.

I hope you're sleeping well, baby, and that your annoying roommate has left you alone tonight. Hopefully only one more night apart after this one. Then we can be together every single night for the rest of our lives (with some minor exceptions, I'm sure).
Can't wait to hear from you tomorrow morning.
Can't wait to see you.
Can't wait.
I love you forever and always and until beyond the end.

With all my love and more,
-M xoxo

I wanna sleep next to you

Tonight I don't have much to write about. But I'm going to find some things to write about before I drift off to sleep.

Christopher,
Currently listening to: "Talk Me Down" by Troye Sivan. Shocked?

I get to see you tomorrow. I wish tomorrow was the day you were coming home, but life is not that simple. Regardless, I'm so beyond excited to see you. I will probably cry when I do see you, just because that's typically my body's immediate reaction to anything that causes me any emotion, especially when I'm overwhelmed with feelings which I think I will be tomorrow. I just really, really want to see your face and see your smile and hear you laugh and watch your eyes wrinkle when you think I'm funny and hug you and kiss you and feel your warmth that has been missing from me. It feels like all the warmth has seeped out of my skin and I've been left with a cold, empty body aching for your radiating comfort.

It's amazing how much I feel your absence. I feel it in ways I didn't realize I would. My skin feels cold. My body is not as high-tuned to what's going on around it, since it doesn't have the soft caress of your fingers to cause a ripple of goosebumps to expand over my flesh. Instead it's, for lack of a better word, deadened to what's happening around it because no other touch matters besides yours. I feel heavier. I feel emptier. How can you feel emptier yet heavier at the same time? You somehow know how to fill me with warmth and comfort, yet make me feel lighter and more like I'm floating on air. I'm just lonely, I guess, and so is my body. My body has noticed you're gone.

I honestly don't have much to write about tonight because my night consisted of a wine & pasta night with Christine and Adam, and later Kayla, and it was really fun. It was just a really fun, giggly night, later turned sober and serious and interesting when we debated and argued and talked about serious things. It was just a nice reprieve from it all and definitely something I needed. I love my friends. I don't know what I would do without them... I think you need to start spending more time with your friends. I think that would help you in many ways.

You are always on the back of my mind and I am always missing you. Even at 2:30am on a playground somewhere in the apartment complex I find myself checking my phone to see if you called... even though I know you're sleeping. I just really can't wait to see you tomorrow. Even if it means we just sit and stare at each other for two hours and don't talk about anything. I just want to be near you. I don't want you to be nervous about me seeing you in there. There is absolutely nothing that could make me think less or differently of you. I mean, maybe if you killed someone...? But maybe not even then. Just kidding. I just really want you to know that I'm genuinely excited to see you no matter what you look like or think you look like or if you're embarrassed or vulnerable or what. I love you. I will always love you.

Anyway, I'm actually really tired and Duke is snoring away next to me so I think I'm going to join him. Unfortunately, I don't have any Dukelights tonight :-( I'm sorry. But just know he was very happy to have the company of my friends today. So much so that he peed in the middle of the living room on the floor... mommy loved that.

Can't wait to see you, baby.
PS. I'm really glad you finished that book. I hope you liked it as much as I did. I hope it helped in whatever way it possibly can in the situation you're in right now. I can't wait to watch the movie together when you come home.
PSS. I'm now listening to "If You Want" by Citizen Shade. I hope you love these songs.
Okay. Okay. Sleep time.

I love you forever, always, and after that. Until the moon crumbles. I hope your dreams are filled with me. I'll see you in mine.
Forever yours,
-M
xo xo xo

Let it be me

Tonight I'm going to write about music. 

Christopher,
Isn't music such an incredible thing? How hearing a song you never knew existed for the first time can change your thoughts and bring emotion out of you that you didn't expect? They way the artists and the lyrics and the music itself connect to you on an emotional level, and how these songs can help you connect with yourself and other people in ways that would not be otherwise possible without music? It's just incredible.

I'm currently listening to the song I played for you on vacation by Troye Sivan called "Talk Me Down" and I can't believe how relevant it is. It was relevant the night I played it for you, too, but different lyrics are relevant to me now. Which  is also interesting - certain lyrics will be so stand out at one point for you emotionally, and others at other points in time, or sometime just the whole song is a connection. For example, I feel these lyrics in my heart right now:

Okay... I literally went to copy and paste the lyrics that meant the most to me right now and then realized I had copy and pasted the entire song.... so I'm just going to put the entire song first.

I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna come home to you
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds
'Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my three A.M. shadow
I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone

I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
So come over now and talk me down

I wanna hold hands with you
But that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna get close to you
'Cause your hands and lips still know their way around, oh
And I know I like to draw that line, when it starts to get too real,
But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal
I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
So come over now and talk me down
(Talk me down)

If you don't mind, I'll walk that line
Stuck on the bridge between us
Gray areas and expectations
But I'm not the one if we're honest, yeah
But I wanna sleep next to you
And I wanna come home to you
I wanna hold hands with you
I wanna be close to you

But I wanna sleep next to you
And that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna come home to you
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds
So come over now and talk me down
(Talk me down)

So I just highlighted the ones that really hit me the most when the song came on. (And the three times after when I played it again.) I closed my eyes and pretended it was the last time I had listened to the song and could feel your warmth against my skin and your tears dripping onto me and your lips on my mouth after it ended whispering "thank you." I wish I could send you this song telepathically right now, even though you're sleeping, and find a way for you to listen to it so we could listen to it together even if we're apart and just feel it together. I feel this song in my bones right now. I'm aching from these lyrics. Not really in a good or bad way, just in the way that music makes you ache.

Christine asked me to listen to another song tonight and I immediately knew I had to show it to you. The lyrics are a bit hard to decipher sometimes in the song so I'm going to post them below the video. But please know this song is absolutely fitting for our situation. Please know I absolutely cried when I listened to it. And please know the lyrics are absolutely beyond true. It's called "If You Want" by Citizen Shade.

Come down from the ledge my love
I don't know what you're running from
But it's sure enough to pass
And the pain you feel won't last
Let me take you home

And I don't know when or how
You got to where you are right now
But it's sure enough to pass
And the pain you feel won't last
Let me take you home
I give you all of my love 

To get you though your darkest hour
When your dreams have turned to dust
Along with your innocence
I will be your hand to hold
If you wanna let go 

So lay your hand in mine
Be sure you're safe this time
Open up your heart
And I will do my part to show you love 

Well I give you all my love
To get you though your darkest hour
When your dreams have turned to dust
Along with your innocence
I will be your hand to hold
If you wanna let go 

Let it go, oh
I will be your hand to hold
I will be your hand to hold
I will be your hand to hold
If you wanna let go

I know you will feel this song the same way you felt the Troye Sivan song. I hope you really feel these lyrics, too. I do. I feel nothing but you in this song and how much I ache for you. I want to be your hand to hold. I want to do my part to show you love. I want to get you through your darkest hour. I want you.

I'm going to also attach the music video for "Talk Me Down" because I'd like you to listen to it again. And I mean, if we're going all in, we're going all in. :-)

Christopher, I love you so much. I thought about you all day and had such a good day since it woke up to a call from you, and you sounded so much happier than you have the past few days. Yes, it was kind of hard to hear that you'd be away longer than I expected (I don't know why I expected less time anyway) but I'm so happy you're there and you're making progress and you're being strong and you're getting better and you're reading my book and you're coming home to me a better man than when you left me. You sounded much, much better today baby. I have such high hopes for you and our future - I know you can do this. I just know it. You're so strong. I love you. 

And I can't wait for you to read all these posts since it seems like every time you call me and we talk for ten minutes (only 2-3 times a day unfortunately, but it's okay) I have nothing to say. I guess I just get so excited that you're calling me that I lose all ability to speak and I'm just so overwhelmed and happy to hear your voice that words elude me. Regardless, I look forward to those few phone calls the entire day and night. They're what're getting me through this time. Tomorrow I'm going to ask you if you'd like me to visit on Saturday, because if you'll have me I'd love to come see you. 

I guess I'm going to wrap it up for the night. Before that, here's today's Dukelights:

Duke man was making up for your absence by snoring so loud I couldn't hear the music coming from my laptop. He wouldn't even bat an eye when I said his name. He's such a silly, tired boy. He's missing his daddy, too, and can't wait to see him again...he told me :-)

Baby - I hope you're sleeping soundly (like you said you would be tonight) and that you're dreaming about me. I'm going to watch The Office until I fall asleep snoring soundly next to Duke man and dream about you. I absolutely love and adore you and will keep doing so until the moon crumbles.
Goodnight, baby, sweet dreams.
All my love forever and always,
-M
xxxxoooo

Productivity distracts the mind

Tonight I'm going to write about how my heart aches because of how much I miss him. And also about the day I had. 

Chris, 

I'm hurting tonight. I'm hurting coming home from a really successful, productive, and fun day to a cold, empty bed. I'm hurting knowing you're in a cold, lonely bed, too. I'm physically hurting still in my nose and head which is just making me feel bad for myself which worsens the situation. I'm hurting for all the goodnight kisses I'm missing out on. 

Regardless of how much I'm aching right now, I had one of the best days I've had in what feels like forever. Like I talked about this morning (which feels like a lifetime ago) I planned to be very productive and I was! I did all the things I told you about, plus got my oil changed, saw Kyle and got to say goodbye to him before he leaves for school, briefly saw Erin and Brandon, started watching The Office again, paid all my bills (well, not all the balances, but you know what I mean), saw Christine and Kayla and laughed for four hours straight... I'd say that was pretty productive!

Plus, it was just one of those days where every little thing that could go right, did. (Except for when I drove to ShopRite ten minutes before they closed for popcorn and then got to self check out and realized I didn't have my wallet......). I went to Dunkin in the midst of all my errands this morning and the bagel they gave me was delicious - sometimes the bagels are hard or stale or just not my fave, but this bagel was perfect, and it made me so happy. Then I went to get my oil changed and it took like 8 minutes and then I found a coupon online and got it down from $64 to $53 and all the guys there were very kind and helpful. Then I got a call from you :-) Then I went home to get my mail and some paper work and I had surprisingly received my Rutgers parking pass in the mail (which I thought I'd have to pick up myself) and it turns out I can park in more than just one lot with it. So that was cool! On top of all that, I felt pretty good today. I mean I had a minor headache and I was still kinda drippy and uncomfortable, but it was nothing compared to how I've felt. The best part of my day, though, was my ten minute conversation with you later on when I got to hear your voice and smile. 

Honestly, it was pretty nice to feel so independent today. I've been so dependent on people since the surgery and because I live with you... it was just nice to have a day to get things done that I needed to do, be by myself, let myself think and enjoy, and just be with me, you know? I told you about this feeling a few weeks ago and you knew what I meant, so I'm sure you do now. 

I miss you so much. I miss feeling you. I hate knowing the bed is so empty. Only a few more days, I'm sure. I can do it because I know it's what's best for you and that is absolutely all I want. 

You told me on the phone today that you read 100 pages in the book I lent you already and I can't tell you how happy that made me. I hope you read more since. I hope you finish it by the time you leave. I'm sure you will, you're a very quick reader unlike me. I want you to love that book and feel like you have a part of me in there with you. I want you to know you're not alone in what you're feeling and experiencing because so many others have felt it, too - someone even wrote a book about it!

One last thing, I just want you to realize that even being away from me (especially from this experience) you still have the ability to inspire me, that's how I know you're the one for me. Even in your absence I'm inspired by you, maybe even more so than usual. I've never been so inclined to write twice in a day like this but all day every single time something happened all I thought about was how I wanted to write it down in order for you to experience it with me later on. I want you to see how I've been living in my words. I want you to feel how I've been feeling with my words. I want you to know how much I love you and how much I miss you and how much I believe in you. 

You are incredibly strong and brave. So much more than I think you even know yourself. I am beyond proud of you, I can't even express it. I want you to know how here for you I am. How here for you I'm going to be. I am not going anywhere. I am going to be here for as long as you'll have me. I love you. I will always love you. You are mine and I am yours. You're all of it for me. You're all that's ever mattered and all that ever will. You inspire me. You enthrall me. You amaze me. 

"You have to kick at the darkness until it bleeds light." Keep kicking, baby. You're doing such an amazing job and I know it's hard and scary and vulnerable and intimidating and uncomfortable but you're doing it and you're kicking its ass. Keep. On. Kicking. 

Also, here's today's Duke highlights (Dukelights):

I love you. I will love you until the moon crumbles. Always. 

Forever yours,

-M

xoxoxoxoxo

This bee is buzzin' again

Right now I'm going to talk about waking up.

Christopher,

It's only nine AM, and I've been up for about 30 minutes, but I woke up feeling great today! Well, about as great as someone with a raw nose can feel. Let's just say I've woken up feeling the best I've been in about a week. I'm not so plagued with mucus today, my nose is no longer bleeding, but occasionally dripping some stuff, and I don't have a headache (yet) and I don't feel nauseous or dizzy! The only real downfall right now is still how stuffy my head and nose are (yet my head doesn't feel like it's going to explode, so that's good) and my nose is a bit raw and scabbed up. Nonetheless, it's going to be a great and productive day if it keeps up like this. I really, really hope you wake/woke up feeling the same way I did, because that would be a good sign and that way we could be connected in our good mornings together.

I'm going to spend some time this morning tidying up the apartment - mainly the kitchen. I wanted to ask you to do it before you left, but I figured it would be a lot nicer for me to do it and have the apartment clean and fresh and waiting for you when you got home. Also, I wanted to do it myself just to say that I did. It's silly, I know, but I wanted to.

I'm also going to put in contacts for the first time in a week and real girl clothes and go out in public all by myself!!! I am very excited about these simple things! It's funny what six days in bed, practically unconscious, will kick-start you to do.

I'm going to run some light errands today - go to the Dollar Store (of course), mail out the packages, stop home and pick up mail, fill out a financial form at home with my dad for school, go pick up Duke's dog food, and that's it. I want to start some laundry today too and make sure the kitchen is clean by the end of the night. You know me and how much I hate cleaning the kitchen, but I've never been more excited to do it in my life. I think I'm desperate to just do any activity at this point, so even that sounds appealing.

Anyway, that's my day, along with one other thing I did not mention - anxiously await a phone call from you. I've only heard from you once so far and that was before you got transferred, so I'd really like to hear from you this morning and know how you're doing. I spoke to Adam last night about this briefly because I knew he checked himself into the hospital last year for his depression and anxiety, and I wanted to talk to someone who knows about it. He made me feel much more at ease because of what a positive outcome he said he had from that experience. I genuinely hope you can say the same thing, Chris. He also said the experience was just like the one in the book I gave to you (which I was hoping was true) so I really hope you're reading it right now and laughing at how wise little old Meg is!

So, it's only 9:23am and I've already written you for today. How pathetic! Just kidding. I just really wanted to talk to you and start my day with you and this is the closest I could get, so why not? I'm going to go be a productive little buzzy bee. I'll probably write you again later tonight. Stay well, my love. I miss you. You're so strong.

All my (and Duke's) love,
xoxoxoxo
-M

Pain is greedy

Today, I'm writing about my boyfriend admitting himself into a hospital and how I'm coping with it on day one.

Honestly, I hate writing it that way because I hate to seem selfish and talk about how I'm coping with it, when he's the one who has hit such a low point that he's had to admit himself into the hospital. I guess I kinda just want to write this like I'd be writing to him, since I can't really have much contact with him unless he calls me.

Chris,
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't help you, or notice that you needed this kind of help sooner before you hit this low point. I've spent so much time focused on being angry and acting like the victim for all you've put me through, but I never really took the time to realize what you were being put through. I wish I had noticed what you were going through was real, and that I wasn't so centered in all I was going through instead of focusing on you. I always complain that you don't open up enough, but maybe I just don't listen enough when you do. Lately, every time you have opened up it's been very heartbreaking and sad - I paid no mind to the fact that you were crying every time you spoke about your feelings. I'm so sorry I couldn't pay enough mind to how you were feeling. You always say you don't deserve me and that I deserve so much better than you, but I think you're wrong. I think you deserve someone much less self-involved and selfish than me.

That being said, I promise you I'm going to be better from here on out. Before you left, I was sure things were over between us. I was sure that we had hit a point at bottom that we wouldn't be able to hop back out of. I was so sure of this because of all of the lying you've been doing. Since you decided to go to the hospital and since the ten hours ago when you actually left to do so, I've realized some things. I realized that this wasn't just like every other fight in the past - we fight, I'm hurt, you promise you won't do it again and that you'll change, we kiss, same thing happens again later but worse. This time, you were actually taking steps in front of me to change even though they scared the shit out of you. You were taking a leave from work, you were talking to your psychiatrist about your options, and then you were checking yourself in.
Because you were so strong and brave this time around by taking those steps even though they were scary and new and anxiety-inducing, I'm going to do the same thing. I'm going to put myself on the line the same way you have in order to fix us. In order to help you, and me, and us. I'm going to put the past aside, not hold it against you, not expect it for the future, and come into our reunion with a clean slate. I'm going to take your feelings more seriously. I'm not going to take your good days for granted, and assume your bad days are just that, bad days, but understand that you're going through a hard time and be there to help.

I believe we have the ability to start over here. I saw it in you and us the day before you left. As if there were a glimmer of hope shining through you that this was going to be the last resort that really helped to change and fix things, and it affected your whole demeanor. Yesterday was the first day in a long, long time that I felt I saw the real Christopher again. And it gave me hope. It gave me the hope that he wasn't totally lost forever, that he is still in there. You are capable of finding him again, I know you are, and I will do whatever I can to help get him back.

Although moving and money and car searching and going back to work or school tend to be big stressers in people's lives, I think these things will be good for us. Fresh. Starts. I think we need that. The ability to let go of all the heaviness in our pasts that are weighing us down and keeping us from moving forward, and instead start new and try again. I think we can do it.

It's only been ten hours since you've left but I miss you like crazy. I can't imagine spending the night in bed without you. I don't like the thought of you spending the night in bed without me. I hope you're reading the book I left with you and feeling like you have a part of me there with you to comfort you. I will definitely be cuddling with Duke man, crying some tears into his soft coat.
Regardless of how hard this may be, even if it is only for a few days, I do think the distance and time will be good for us. Even though I want to text you every five minutes, I really think the inability to do so will be really good for us. We've become too comfortable to the point where it's not good for us. Distance will help our hearts reconnect and find their way home from whatever lost places they've fallen into. I think this will help us find each other again.

Chris, I love you more than I could ever write out in words. I hurt for you. I feel for you. I long for you. I love you. I ache for you. I cry for you. I bleed for you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I will be waiting for you when you come home. I will be here. Duke and I will be here. As crazy as it sounds, I've never been more sure of our future than I am right now. I love you.

Things will get better. You will get better. We will get better. And then we'll be better than ever.
So far, in the past ten hours, you haven't missed much besides the typical McDonald's and Drag Race. Oh, and Duke jumping into the tub. I decided to capture some of it here, though, in order for you to keep a piece of what was waiting here for you while you were gone.

I love you always. Until the moon crumbles. Forever.
All my love,
-M

**PS: No one else is reading this, so don't be embarrassed. This is for you only.