Tonight I'm going to write about visiting you today.
Christopher,
Today was the best day I've had in the last week. Want to guess why? It was because I saw you for the first time. It felt so good to see and feel all the things I wrote about last night. Seeing your smile, hearing your laugh, feeling your arms around me, feeling your lips on mine, seeing your little mannerisms again. It was all so comforting, and really made me feel like I was brought back into my own body for the first time in a week. Now here I am alone in bed again, but I don't feel as empty or disconnected from myself, because I can still feel your touch and hear your giggle. And now I have the fresh memory of a smiling, healthy, hopeful Christopher, not the memory of a broken, sad, hopeless one.
I can't tell you how excited I am for you to come home. Tomorrow I'm going to try to spend some time cleaning up the apartment, doing some laundry, and making sure things are comfortable and ready for you to come home to. I want it to be a sigh of relief for you to come home and get to shower in your own shower, shave your neck beard, wear some fresh clothes, and lay in your own bed. I don't want you to have to worry about a dirty kitchen or not having any clean laundry. So that's my plan for tomorrow: Clean the apartment and wait for your phone calls. And probably Drag Race, let's be honest.
Hopefully, all goes as planned and you get released on Monday. If/when you give me the green light that that is happening I'm going to give Paul a call and let him know what's going on so that I don't have to come in for my shift that night. A coworker texted me today asking when I'd be back and I told him Monday or Wednesday, so hopefully Wednesday!! I just want to be able to be here with you the day you get back and for us to lay in bed together and hold each other. That's seriously all I want. For like ten hours. Some sex would be good, too, but that goes without saying... :-)
Today I told you that I had a surprise for you when you get home and I hope by now you've figured out that it's this: these letters I've been writing to you on this blog. I hope they're proof of how much I've been thinking about you, how much importance you have on my life and what a hole it leaves when you're gone, and I also hope they serve as a way to help you feel included in what's been going on in the outside world while you've been in there. You know, minus all the bad crap that you were trying to get away from, but instead this can serve as a way for you to be a part of the last seven days here with me and not like we've been living completely separate lives.
I know that every time I have written it has helped me so much. It's easy to just get to text you normally whenever I have something that I want to tell you or whenever a thought pops into my head, but this past week I haven't been able to do that. This blog has given me that opportunity. Every time something happens or I think of something I want to tell you I make a mental note to write it to you later so that I know you won't be missing out on anything that I would want you to know. I guess it was just a way for me to not be completely separated from you for an entire week, with the exception of the few phone calls, and also allow me to put all my emotions and thoughts into my favorite form: writing. At the end of the day, I'm a much more eloquent writer than I am a speaker, so this is probably the best way for you to get the 411 on all my doings, feelings, and thoughts anyway.
So, with all that being said, surprise!!! :-) I really hope you enjoy reading these letters and getting a glimpse into what I've been feeling and doing this past week. Just know that I've (clearly) been thinking about you every single minute of every hour of every day.
I want to say one more time how proud I am of you, Chris. (One more time, yeah right, I'm going to keep saying it). Seeing you today really solidified that for me. You have come such a long way in only a few days and you're doing so much to ensure that you're healthy and that our future is secure and that you're getting better - it's really astounding to see. Hearing you say today that you were doing this for me and for us was really nice and it made me feel really important and undeserving of your love (in a good way), but I really hope you also feel you're doing this for you. Because at the end of the day I want you to make sure you're living your life for you, and that Duke and I are just the added bonus. I want you to recognize the importance of that and how correct Mama Ru is when she says, "If you can't love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" To which you would immediately mouth the following: "Can I get an 'Amen' up in here?" "Amen!" Since you love Drag Race so much :-)
Anyway, babe, I think I'm going to cut myself off at that. Duke man is sleeping in the crate tonight since he sneaked his way into the kitchen while I was visiting you and destroyed some shit. Unfortunately, I'm lacking on Dukelights again tonight since the only thing we did today before I came to see you was lay in bed, and I already have about 14,000 pictures of Duke laying in bed, I didn't really need another one. And now he's in the crate, so hopefully tomorrow I'll have some final Dukelights for you. Just know how much he misses you. He's definitely recognized your absence around here. Each noise or invisible opening of the front door that's met with head turns or jumping or barking is more pronounced lately in hopes that it's you coming in. He's so excited for you to come home, as am I.
I hope you're sleeping well, baby, and that your annoying roommate has left you alone tonight. Hopefully only one more night apart after this one. Then we can be together every single night for the rest of our lives (with some minor exceptions, I'm sure).
Can't wait to hear from you tomorrow morning.
Can't wait to see you.
Can't wait.
I love you forever and always and until beyond the end.
With all my love and more,
-M xoxo
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