Chris,
I'm hurting tonight. I'm hurting coming home from a really successful, productive, and fun day to a cold, empty bed. I'm hurting knowing you're in a cold, lonely bed, too. I'm physically hurting still in my nose and head which is just making me feel bad for myself which worsens the situation. I'm hurting for all the goodnight kisses I'm missing out on.
Regardless of how much I'm aching right now, I had one of the best days I've had in what feels like forever. Like I talked about this morning (which feels like a lifetime ago) I planned to be very productive and I was! I did all the things I told you about, plus got my oil changed, saw Kyle and got to say goodbye to him before he leaves for school, briefly saw Erin and Brandon, started watching The Office again, paid all my bills (well, not all the balances, but you know what I mean), saw Christine and Kayla and laughed for four hours straight... I'd say that was pretty productive!
Plus, it was just one of those days where every little thing that could go right, did. (Except for when I drove to ShopRite ten minutes before they closed for popcorn and then got to self check out and realized I didn't have my wallet......). I went to Dunkin in the midst of all my errands this morning and the bagel they gave me was delicious - sometimes the bagels are hard or stale or just not my fave, but this bagel was perfect, and it made me so happy. Then I went to get my oil changed and it took like 8 minutes and then I found a coupon online and got it down from $64 to $53 and all the guys there were very kind and helpful. Then I got a call from you :-) Then I went home to get my mail and some paper work and I had surprisingly received my Rutgers parking pass in the mail (which I thought I'd have to pick up myself) and it turns out I can park in more than just one lot with it. So that was cool! On top of all that, I felt pretty good today. I mean I had a minor headache and I was still kinda drippy and uncomfortable, but it was nothing compared to how I've felt. The best part of my day, though, was my ten minute conversation with you later on when I got to hear your voice and smile.
Honestly, it was pretty nice to feel so independent today. I've been so dependent on people since the surgery and because I live with you... it was just nice to have a day to get things done that I needed to do, be by myself, let myself think and enjoy, and just be with me, you know? I told you about this feeling a few weeks ago and you knew what I meant, so I'm sure you do now.
I miss you so much. I miss feeling you. I hate knowing the bed is so empty. Only a few more days, I'm sure. I can do it because I know it's what's best for you and that is absolutely all I want.
You told me on the phone today that you read 100 pages in the book I lent you already and I can't tell you how happy that made me. I hope you read more since. I hope you finish it by the time you leave. I'm sure you will, you're a very quick reader unlike me. I want you to love that book and feel like you have a part of me in there with you. I want you to know you're not alone in what you're feeling and experiencing because so many others have felt it, too - someone even wrote a book about it!
One last thing, I just want you to realize that even being away from me (especially from this experience) you still have the ability to inspire me, that's how I know you're the one for me. Even in your absence I'm inspired by you, maybe even more so than usual. I've never been so inclined to write twice in a day like this but all day every single time something happened all I thought about was how I wanted to write it down in order for you to experience it with me later on. I want you to see how I've been living in my words. I want you to feel how I've been feeling with my words. I want you to know how much I love you and how much I miss you and how much I believe in you.
You are incredibly strong and brave. So much more than I think you even know yourself. I am beyond proud of you, I can't even express it. I want you to know how here for you I am. How here for you I'm going to be. I am not going anywhere. I am going to be here for as long as you'll have me. I love you. I will always love you. You are mine and I am yours. You're all of it for me. You're all that's ever mattered and all that ever will. You inspire me. You enthrall me. You amaze me.
"You have to kick at the darkness until it bleeds light." Keep kicking, baby. You're doing such an amazing job and I know it's hard and scary and vulnerable and intimidating and uncomfortable but you're doing it and you're kicking its ass. Keep. On. Kicking.
Also, here's today's Duke highlights (Dukelights):
I love you. I will love you until the moon crumbles. Always.
Forever yours,
-M
xoxoxoxoxo
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