Honestly, I hate writing it that way because I hate to seem selfish and talk about how I'm coping with it, when he's the one who has hit such a low point that he's had to admit himself into the hospital. I guess I kinda just want to write this like I'd be writing to him, since I can't really have much contact with him unless he calls me.
Chris,
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't help you, or notice that you needed this kind of help sooner before you hit this low point. I've spent so much time focused on being angry and acting like the victim for all you've put me through, but I never really took the time to realize what you were being put through. I wish I had noticed what you were going through was real, and that I wasn't so centered in all I was going through instead of focusing on you. I always complain that you don't open up enough, but maybe I just don't listen enough when you do. Lately, every time you have opened up it's been very heartbreaking and sad - I paid no mind to the fact that you were crying every time you spoke about your feelings. I'm so sorry I couldn't pay enough mind to how you were feeling. You always say you don't deserve me and that I deserve so much better than you, but I think you're wrong. I think you deserve someone much less self-involved and selfish than me.
That being said, I promise you I'm going to be better from here on out. Before you left, I was sure things were over between us. I was sure that we had hit a point at bottom that we wouldn't be able to hop back out of. I was so sure of this because of all of the lying you've been doing. Since you decided to go to the hospital and since the ten hours ago when you actually left to do so, I've realized some things. I realized that this wasn't just like every other fight in the past - we fight, I'm hurt, you promise you won't do it again and that you'll change, we kiss, same thing happens again later but worse. This time, you were actually taking steps in front of me to change even though they scared the shit out of you. You were taking a leave from work, you were talking to your psychiatrist about your options, and then you were checking yourself in.
Because you were so strong and brave this time around by taking those steps even though they were scary and new and anxiety-inducing, I'm going to do the same thing. I'm going to put myself on the line the same way you have in order to fix us. In order to help you, and me, and us. I'm going to put the past aside, not hold it against you, not expect it for the future, and come into our reunion with a clean slate. I'm going to take your feelings more seriously. I'm not going to take your good days for granted, and assume your bad days are just that, bad days, but understand that you're going through a hard time and be there to help.
I believe we have the ability to start over here. I saw it in you and us the day before you left. As if there were a glimmer of hope shining through you that this was going to be the last resort that really helped to change and fix things, and it affected your whole demeanor. Yesterday was the first day in a long, long time that I felt I saw the real Christopher again. And it gave me hope. It gave me the hope that he wasn't totally lost forever, that he is still in there. You are capable of finding him again, I know you are, and I will do whatever I can to help get him back.
Although moving and money and car searching and going back to work or school tend to be big stressers in people's lives, I think these things will be good for us. Fresh. Starts. I think we need that. The ability to let go of all the heaviness in our pasts that are weighing us down and keeping us from moving forward, and instead start new and try again. I think we can do it.
It's only been ten hours since you've left but I miss you like crazy. I can't imagine spending the night in bed without you. I don't like the thought of you spending the night in bed without me. I hope you're reading the book I left with you and feeling like you have a part of me there with you to comfort you. I will definitely be cuddling with Duke man, crying some tears into his soft coat.
Regardless of how hard this may be, even if it is only for a few days, I do think the distance and time will be good for us. Even though I want to text you every five minutes, I really think the inability to do so will be really good for us. We've become too comfortable to the point where it's not good for us. Distance will help our hearts reconnect and find their way home from whatever lost places they've fallen into. I think this will help us find each other again.
Chris, I love you more than I could ever write out in words. I hurt for you. I feel for you. I long for you. I love you. I ache for you. I cry for you. I bleed for you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I will be waiting for you when you come home. I will be here. Duke and I will be here. As crazy as it sounds, I've never been more sure of our future than I am right now. I love you.
Things will get better. You will get better. We will get better. And then we'll be better than ever.
So far, in the past ten hours, you haven't missed much besides the typical McDonald's and Drag Race. Oh, and Duke jumping into the tub. I decided to capture some of it here, though, in order for you to keep a piece of what was waiting here for you while you were gone.
I love you always. Until the moon crumbles. Forever.
All my love,
-M
**PS: No one else is reading this, so don't be embarrassed. This is for you only.
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