Tonight I don't have much to write about. But I'm going to find some things to write about before I drift off to sleep.
Christopher,
Currently listening to: "Talk Me Down" by Troye Sivan. Shocked?
I get to see you tomorrow. I wish tomorrow was the day you were coming home, but life is not that simple. Regardless, I'm so beyond excited to see you. I will probably cry when I do see you, just because that's typically my body's immediate reaction to anything that causes me any emotion, especially when I'm overwhelmed with feelings which I think I will be tomorrow. I just really, really want to see your face and see your smile and hear you laugh and watch your eyes wrinkle when you think I'm funny and hug you and kiss you and feel your warmth that has been missing from me. It feels like all the warmth has seeped out of my skin and I've been left with a cold, empty body aching for your radiating comfort.
It's amazing how much I feel your absence. I feel it in ways I didn't realize I would. My skin feels cold. My body is not as high-tuned to what's going on around it, since it doesn't have the soft caress of your fingers to cause a ripple of goosebumps to expand over my flesh. Instead it's, for lack of a better word, deadened to what's happening around it because no other touch matters besides yours. I feel heavier. I feel emptier. How can you feel emptier yet heavier at the same time? You somehow know how to fill me with warmth and comfort, yet make me feel lighter and more like I'm floating on air. I'm just lonely, I guess, and so is my body. My body has noticed you're gone.
I honestly don't have much to write about tonight because my night consisted of a wine & pasta night with Christine and Adam, and later Kayla, and it was really fun. It was just a really fun, giggly night, later turned sober and serious and interesting when we debated and argued and talked about serious things. It was just a nice reprieve from it all and definitely something I needed. I love my friends. I don't know what I would do without them... I think you need to start spending more time with your friends. I think that would help you in many ways.
You are always on the back of my mind and I am always missing you. Even at 2:30am on a playground somewhere in the apartment complex I find myself checking my phone to see if you called... even though I know you're sleeping. I just really can't wait to see you tomorrow. Even if it means we just sit and stare at each other for two hours and don't talk about anything. I just want to be near you. I don't want you to be nervous about me seeing you in there. There is absolutely nothing that could make me think less or differently of you. I mean, maybe if you killed someone...? But maybe not even then. Just kidding. I just really want you to know that I'm genuinely excited to see you no matter what you look like or think you look like or if you're embarrassed or vulnerable or what. I love you. I will always love you.
Anyway, I'm actually really tired and Duke is snoring away next to me so I think I'm going to join him. Unfortunately, I don't have any Dukelights tonight :-( I'm sorry. But just know he was very happy to have the company of my friends today. So much so that he peed in the middle of the living room on the floor... mommy loved that.
Can't wait to see you, baby.
PS. I'm really glad you finished that book. I hope you liked it as much as I did. I hope it helped in whatever way it possibly can in the situation you're in right now. I can't wait to watch the movie together when you come home.
PSS. I'm now listening to "If You Want" by Citizen Shade. I hope you love these songs.
Okay. Okay. Sleep time.
I love you forever, always, and after that. Until the moon crumbles. I hope your dreams are filled with me. I'll see you in mine.
Forever yours,
-M
xo xo xo
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