Let it be me

Tonight I'm going to write about music. 

Christopher,
Isn't music such an incredible thing? How hearing a song you never knew existed for the first time can change your thoughts and bring emotion out of you that you didn't expect? They way the artists and the lyrics and the music itself connect to you on an emotional level, and how these songs can help you connect with yourself and other people in ways that would not be otherwise possible without music? It's just incredible.

I'm currently listening to the song I played for you on vacation by Troye Sivan called "Talk Me Down" and I can't believe how relevant it is. It was relevant the night I played it for you, too, but different lyrics are relevant to me now. Which  is also interesting - certain lyrics will be so stand out at one point for you emotionally, and others at other points in time, or sometime just the whole song is a connection. For example, I feel these lyrics in my heart right now:

Okay... I literally went to copy and paste the lyrics that meant the most to me right now and then realized I had copy and pasted the entire song.... so I'm just going to put the entire song first.

I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna come home to you
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds
'Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my three A.M. shadow
I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone

I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
So come over now and talk me down

I wanna hold hands with you
But that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna get close to you
'Cause your hands and lips still know their way around, oh
And I know I like to draw that line, when it starts to get too real,
But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal
I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
So come over now and talk me down
(Talk me down)

If you don't mind, I'll walk that line
Stuck on the bridge between us
Gray areas and expectations
But I'm not the one if we're honest, yeah
But I wanna sleep next to you
And I wanna come home to you
I wanna hold hands with you
I wanna be close to you

But I wanna sleep next to you
And that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna come home to you
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds
So come over now and talk me down
(Talk me down)

So I just highlighted the ones that really hit me the most when the song came on. (And the three times after when I played it again.) I closed my eyes and pretended it was the last time I had listened to the song and could feel your warmth against my skin and your tears dripping onto me and your lips on my mouth after it ended whispering "thank you." I wish I could send you this song telepathically right now, even though you're sleeping, and find a way for you to listen to it so we could listen to it together even if we're apart and just feel it together. I feel this song in my bones right now. I'm aching from these lyrics. Not really in a good or bad way, just in the way that music makes you ache.

Christine asked me to listen to another song tonight and I immediately knew I had to show it to you. The lyrics are a bit hard to decipher sometimes in the song so I'm going to post them below the video. But please know this song is absolutely fitting for our situation. Please know I absolutely cried when I listened to it. And please know the lyrics are absolutely beyond true. It's called "If You Want" by Citizen Shade.

Come down from the ledge my love
I don't know what you're running from
But it's sure enough to pass
And the pain you feel won't last
Let me take you home

And I don't know when or how
You got to where you are right now
But it's sure enough to pass
And the pain you feel won't last
Let me take you home
I give you all of my love 

To get you though your darkest hour
When your dreams have turned to dust
Along with your innocence
I will be your hand to hold
If you wanna let go 

So lay your hand in mine
Be sure you're safe this time
Open up your heart
And I will do my part to show you love 

Well I give you all my love
To get you though your darkest hour
When your dreams have turned to dust
Along with your innocence
I will be your hand to hold
If you wanna let go 

Let it go, oh
I will be your hand to hold
I will be your hand to hold
I will be your hand to hold
If you wanna let go

I know you will feel this song the same way you felt the Troye Sivan song. I hope you really feel these lyrics, too. I do. I feel nothing but you in this song and how much I ache for you. I want to be your hand to hold. I want to do my part to show you love. I want to get you through your darkest hour. I want you.

I'm going to also attach the music video for "Talk Me Down" because I'd like you to listen to it again. And I mean, if we're going all in, we're going all in. :-)

Christopher, I love you so much. I thought about you all day and had such a good day since it woke up to a call from you, and you sounded so much happier than you have the past few days. Yes, it was kind of hard to hear that you'd be away longer than I expected (I don't know why I expected less time anyway) but I'm so happy you're there and you're making progress and you're being strong and you're getting better and you're reading my book and you're coming home to me a better man than when you left me. You sounded much, much better today baby. I have such high hopes for you and our future - I know you can do this. I just know it. You're so strong. I love you. 

And I can't wait for you to read all these posts since it seems like every time you call me and we talk for ten minutes (only 2-3 times a day unfortunately, but it's okay) I have nothing to say. I guess I just get so excited that you're calling me that I lose all ability to speak and I'm just so overwhelmed and happy to hear your voice that words elude me. Regardless, I look forward to those few phone calls the entire day and night. They're what're getting me through this time. Tomorrow I'm going to ask you if you'd like me to visit on Saturday, because if you'll have me I'd love to come see you. 

I guess I'm going to wrap it up for the night. Before that, here's today's Dukelights:

Duke man was making up for your absence by snoring so loud I couldn't hear the music coming from my laptop. He wouldn't even bat an eye when I said his name. He's such a silly, tired boy. He's missing his daddy, too, and can't wait to see him again...he told me :-)

Baby - I hope you're sleeping soundly (like you said you would be tonight) and that you're dreaming about me. I'm going to watch The Office until I fall asleep snoring soundly next to Duke man and dream about you. I absolutely love and adore you and will keep doing so until the moon crumbles.
Goodnight, baby, sweet dreams.
All my love forever and always,
-M
xxxxoooo